In my last post, I called for those that have caused harm in the workplace to let go of shame, take accountability for their actions, and discuss that there is an issue taking place. So let me start with myself. I have caused harm.
And while I’m not proud of what I have done, I’m proud of who I am and who I’m becoming. I’m sharing my story here because I know I am not alone, and because there is so much I have learned on the journey of processing my experiences and actions with self-compassion.
Lesson #1: Hiding in Plain Sight
For the most part, I had been causing harm without even realizing it. This might seem strange coming from someone who specializes in anti-violence training and education, but nonetheless, it’s true. It was just about a year ago, and twenty years into my career in the field of domestic violence, that I started to understand the ways in which covert narcissistic behaviors and indirect abuse existed in so many of my systems and relationships that it had never even shown up on my radar. Hypervigilant of the grandiose and overt behaviors one typically associates with abuse and narcissism, the covert ones had snuck in like a trojan horse.
With this deeper understanding of my relationships came the inevitable self-reflection—if this is the way people engage all around me, how could I be any different? As I turned the microscope to myself with this new definition for acceptable behavior, it seemed like the walls were closing in. Gossip, exclusion, and triangulation were all behaviors that needed to be eliminated from my playbook. But shame is no motivator for change, and the walls slowly eased back out as I gave myself the grace to dig deeper and transform.
Lesson #2: It’s Never Justified
There were also moments along the way where I felt that my behavior was justified, advocating for “the greater good.” But as anti-violence advocates know, the impact always outweighs the intent, and there is no valid rationalization for causing harm. I liken this to the online debate on Thanos, Marvel villain with the remarkably good intentions of saving the world. Sorry Thanos, intentions matter, but they don’t supersede any damage you caused along the way. Nor do my intentions, no matter how ethical they seemed at the time, validate any of things I have done.
Lesson #3: Is the Way I Understood Abuse Too Connected to Gender?
Twenty-one years after its initial release, the film Mean Girls, highlighting covert bullying tactics in high school girls, is as relevant as ever. But it was my constant surveillance for the overt abusive behaviors that are typically associated with men causing harm that allowed me to overlook the very real ways in which abuse was prevalent around me. In a world where the gender binary is less relevant, these more covert behaviors can and do show up in anyone.
And while this post is on accountability, it’s also important to note that my path to understanding how I had been causing harm first began with identifying the more subtle ways I had been experiencing it throughout my life.
Lesson #4: Self-Care, Self-Compassion, Self-Regulation & Self-Monitoring
The realization that I had missed so much abuse all around me (and in myself) triggered strong urges to hide from embarrassment. But that wouldn’t solve anything and the self-regulation and self-monitoring needed for behavior change couldn’t happen without investing deeply into practices of self-care and self-compassion. This means more than just the “fun” kind like getting a pedicure, including setting healthy boundaries, saying no to people and situations that aren’t right for me, and spending time processing feelings rather than avoiding them.
Building myself up to be able to see that I’m a beautiful, heart-centered human that has also engaged in harmful behaviors is what allows me to transform, and to continue to self-regulate and monitor my behavior to ensure these toxic patterns don’t sneak back in. Healing is always an ongoing journey, and never linear, but the more compassion I have for myself, the more I can have for those that have caused me harm as well.
Lesson #5: We Live In A Culture of Harm
In Mean Girls, when Cady arrives to high school in America, she experiences culture shock, having no clue how to interact in the cutthroat covert bullying environment. But she quickly figures it out. According to Dr. Nathalie Martinek, an educator on narcissism and narcissistic behaviors, toxic cultures that bring on “survival mode” don’t allow for the psychological safety needed to be yourself, make mistakes, and learn. Instead, those engaging in narcissistic behaviors will have the greatest likelihood of success.[i] It reminds me of the phrase “you don’t have to be crazy to work here, we’ll train you.”
The fact is, in a toxic workplace-and in a toxic world-most of us have both caused harm and been harmed. But if these behaviors are learned, they can be unlearned. And as an eternal optimist, I believe this also means that creating a culture without harm is possible. It will take a lot of love and compassion, and it certainly won’t be easy. But then again, most things that are worth it aren’t.
[i] Martinek, N. (2022, November 15). Narcissism and narcissistic behaviours: An overview. Narcissism and narcissistic behaviours: an overview. https://www.hackingnarcissism.com/p/narcissism-and-narcissistic-behaviours?utm_source=publication-se