While I had initially intended to share my story for Domestic Violence Awareness Month, my journey towards healing requires that self-imposed deadlines never take precedence over what my mind, body, and soul need in the moment… that I hold true to the fact that without my vessel being whole and well, there is no way to continue the march towards justice. With that, this post had to wait. But like many beautiful things in this lifetime, the timing now feels even more appropriate. Because although this journey of understanding my experiences of abuse-and healing from them-has been incredibly painful, it is also one full of gratitude for the people, moments, and knowledge that helped me realize how impacted I was… and how much power I truly have.
I am so incredibly lucky to have been surrounded by these beacons of light during my darkest times. Without you, I might still be lost at sea. From the bottom of my heart and with all my soul…THANK YOU.
It’s Not Really THAT Bad, Is It?
While I had known for some time that what I was experiencing at work wasn’t appropriate, I thought I was navigating it and coping. I was also hesitant to think that abuse would be occurring within an anti-violence agency. Like many, I wasn’t able to clearly see the effect the situation was having on me. Thankfully, I was also blessed with several key people and moments that helped me understand that what I was enduring was impacting me far more than I wanted to admit.
The most traditional intervention came in the summer of 2023…
“Stephanie, this place is your abuser… and I know you’re scared to leave, and that you’ve been here a long time, but they’re abusing you and it’s not going to get better.”
The whole world had seemed to stop when my friend and fellow domestic violence advocate asked for consent before she took my hand, looked me in the eye, and spoke those powerful words ever so gently to the broken shell that I had become. Words that I knew in my heart to be true but hadn’t been able to wrap my brain around to say even silently to myself.
Like many individuals in a complicated relationship with the person or thing that harms them, this initial point of intervention does not mark the time of my leaving, but the first of several critical moments that began to open my eyes to just how bad things had gotten. It also let me know that others could see what was happening, that it wasn’t ok, and that I mattered enough for them to say something. I had already been looking for another job, but after hearing this, there was no denying that I needed to make the change as soon as possible.
My friends and family, too, were concerned for my well-being, urging me to find new employment. And while not even intending to intervene, a conversation with my college roommate during which she mentioned how positive and optimistic I “used to be” echoed in my head for weeks. Because she was right. Things had started to feel so overwhelmingly negative that my ability to see the light in the dark was nearly extinguished. I remember thinking…How could these core facets of who I am have gotten so lost? Is it too late to get them back?
Yes, It Really Is THAT Bad
Ultimately, it was the results of an ultrasound showing “nothing wrong” and the likelihood that the debilitating pain I was experiencing was caused by stress that made it crystal clear. No matter how much I thought I was navigating and mitigating the abuse, it was taking its toll. I had learned too much from one of my favorite workshops to deliver, Impact on Health, to pretend that I was stronger than the abuse, the effects of which were now manifesting deep inside my body, crying out to be heard.
“But you can’t just eliminate the stress in your life, can you?” the doctor mused as we talked through the results. As I considered her question, I took a deep breath and shared about the abuse I was experiencing at my job. I also mentioned the possibility of being hired for per diem work, but my concerns about insurance and health in a position like that. Deeply caring and compassionate, she listened, validated, and offered up that keeping a job that was making me sick just for health insurance wasn’t ideal either.
Around this time, I went out on family leave to care for my parents, intending to secure another position during the time away from the toxic workplace. While this was also a stressful period to navigate, the pain I had been experiencing subsided. But as the leave came to an end without having found something that could dependably meet my needs, I returned to work. The pain also returned, as if on cue.
The signs were neon, flashing, all around me. So, armed with my faith and determination, wise words from a doctor, and the support of my loved ones, I embarked on my journey to freedom from abuse and submit my resignation to leave at the end of 2023… even without all my ducks in a row.
Journey To Healing
Following immense celebrations over the holidays, the reality that leaving the abuse doesn’t equate to healing from it soon set in. So, I poured into myself with self-care of all kinds-exercise, therapy, skincare, nutrition, spiritual practices, dry January, and more. Each routine slowly turning up the volume on my self-worth. Because of this, I also began to more easily identify the people in my life that didn’t see, value, and treat me with respect in more subtle ways. This caused new pain to heal from, as I realized that some of those close to me had also been treating me as “lesser than” without my even recognizing it.
Around this time, I also completed the BrainStates Awareness Profile, a tool that “provides you with personal feedback about your brain state tendencies, what you can do to operate from higher brain more of the time and achieve higher levels of performance.” My profile revealed a brain that was wired to be more considerate of others than I am of myself. The consultant reviewing my results offered some common explanations for where this might come from (both of which applied to me-great) and encouraged me that I would benefit from thinking more about myself. Seems simple enough, right?
Now, the conversation I had with nearly every client in my 20-year career was one I was having with myself (and my therapist)… the way people react to you setting a boundary tells you a lot. I just didn’t like what it was telling me. Or how I felt afterwards. Despite that, I continue to set boundaries. No one ever said healing is easy or feels good. It’s what you do because you know you have to in order to regain functioning.
Lessons Learned On The Path To Healing
There are a lot of things I’ve learned on this journey and I’m sure much more knowledge still to be gained, but these ten lessons have serves as a guide as I heal from abuse and reclaim myself. Maybe there’s something you might gain from them as well.
#1- At some point, I had internalized that I took up too much space, was a burden, and had to earn the place I took up. My response to constant criticism and demands was to try harder… to give more. Perhaps it was due to being the youngest and only girl in a misogynistic household, or spending most of my life considered “morbidly obese,” or even the intersection of this and a number of other factors, but this internalization left me vulnerable to mistreatment by others. This is not to say that I deserved it, asked for it, or any other victim-blaming sentiment. Just that it was an aspect of how I showed up in relationships that was easy for those seeking “power over” to take advantage of.
Please know, it’s not your fault if you find yourself in spaces where you’re criticized and abused rather than appreciated, or if your conditioning tells you to try harder for approval. But what I now know is that you do have a choice to stop giving to those that don’t deserve it, and to invest in yourself instead.
#2- Healing is incredibly exhausting. I need so much more sleep than I think I “should”. I must allow myself to rest and to tune out the voices of anyone that questions it, or my productivity. I can’t be productive if I don’t heal. And healing requires that I listen to my body and rest when it needs it.
#3- No ounce of energy poured into the self on the healing journey is wasted. Not a single drop. There have been many things I have worked on since leaving my abusive workplace. Some more fruitful than others. But personal growth and development is something that no one can take away, and it will continue to serve me well no matter where I am or what I choose to do. We only get this one vessel in which to experience the world and make the changes we want to see. Investing in yourself is always going to be worth it.
#4- In domestic violence, taking time to heal before entering into a new relationship is recommended. What do you do when it’s abuse in the workplace? For most of us, taking a year off from working isn’t a luxury we can afford, and a new work “relationship” will likely need to happen before you’ve had a chance to process your experiences. Therapy and rest continue to be critical to my ability to be a functional member of the workforce throughout my healing journey.
#5- Like many abuse survivors, I had been using alcohol excessively to cope. But following dry January, I realized that I didn’t even miss drinking now that I no longer felt the need to escape my life. In fact, all my favorite escapist practices, including retail therapy and reality TV, no longer held the same appeal. And while I still love a beautiful new dress and an occasional glass of wine, it’s incredible to see the way my relationship with these things has changed the more I invest in my wellness and heal from the abuse.
#6- Don’t believe the narrative that others tell you about yourself. As you’re making these changes to yourself for the better, people will react. Some positively, some not so positively—wanting to put you back in the box they have you in. Wanting you to be the person they have decided that you are. Keep doing what’s right for you and creating the life that lights you up.
#7- Putting myself first and setting healthy boundaries is still incredibly difficult and feels like a grandiose display of selfishness, but a practice I continue out of self-love. If villains are just folks finally giving up on serving others’ needs to their own self-detriment, then I’m happy to be the villain in your story so I can be the hero in my own.
#8- There’s no shame to not realizing you are being abused. If someone that has worked in the field for 20 years can find themselves in so deep that it’s making them physically sick, being abused in ways they didn’t even recognize as abusive, it truly speaks to the ways in which anyone can find themselves in this situation.
#9- It’s extra confusing to be experiencing abuse in an agency whose mission speaks against it. I recently had a full circle moment with the doctor that had discussed my ultrasound results with me last year. I shared that I left my job and was no longer having pain. When I told her about the We Deserve Better Project (WDBP) and the study that uncovered that same issue in anti-violence organizations nationwide, she was so shocked she paused for a second and had to collect herself, adding, “I’m sorry, it’s just so surprising to think that that type of thing would be happening in those agencies…” Yes, it certainly is.
#10- Sharing your story is scary, but important. Staying silent only allows those that caused harm to continue to have power over you and others.
I hope that anyone who resonates with this post feels validated and/or inspired that they too can navigate to a space of peace, healing, and freedom from abuse.
You deserve so much better.